Blip

Ambition is not what a man would do, but what a man does, for ambition without action is fantasy.
-Bryant H. McGill

Well, I haven't trained with Kaitlin since Tuesday, but I kept to what she told me to do. I ran, did abs things, walked, stretched, felt like I was going to die... And tried to remember to breathe while jogging. I know in time all of this will grow easier, but right now it is hard. I remind myself it's just temporary pain.

I still don't understand why I have to THINK about breathing to remember to do it, it should be automatic.

I don't really have much to report, this is partially because I am completely knackered.

--A.E.

"If you don't start running by the count of three I will not be training you tomorrow!"

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
-Winston Churchill

Kaity Training Me Day Two:

Honestly I don't think I could properly do this without Kaitlin. Sure, I can write out the schedule's, and I have, but I can't give myself the motivation she gives me. She yells at me to do it, so I do. When it hurts and I want to simply walk the rest of the way home she makes me jog more.. Sadly while I am doing better at it I am not doing as well as I would like to be... And probably a lot less than my sister would like me to be doing.

Honestly the hardest part to motivate myself with is the running, so I am so grateful to have Kaity to train me. Today when we were running up the hill (and it hurt trust me) I couldn't keep going... So she would yell at me to continue.. And I would and then I would go a bit and stop and walk and go a bit.. It is really hard to keep my body going with that.. Honest to god my body hates me.

At the time Kaity said, "If you don't start running by the count of three, today will be the last day I train you!" I felt as if something was weighing me down. It was a chore to breathe, to move my legs and arms and to try to catch up to her and my younger sister Saskia.

My legs are sore now. Doing our stretches and mild ab work out a bit later seems so much easier... it's weird.

Today makes 13 days smoke free.

--A.E.

Breathing is good. Please do more of that.

You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own and you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.

– Dr. Seuss

Today was day 1 of my training with Kaity. We were supposed to do five UpHills, we got through just over one and a half... Apparently while doing any physical activity that is more intense than a mild jog I forget to breathe. I wish I would have just pushed past it, looking back even twenty minutes later makes me realize how whiny and very defeatist I was. I felt annoyed with myself, disappointed in myself. I know that they say it's actually your mind putting the limits on your body... that your body is capable of so much more... but it doesn't feel that way when you're running up and down a hill and your lips are turning blue.

I still have ab things to do today, my 1:1's (one minute running, one minute walking), and Tai Chi. Kaity and I will probably go running by the water tonight when less people are out and about.

I have an awesome trainer who pushes me, and I am glad for it... Though I know today isn't done, I know tomorrow I will do better.

--A.E

Plans!

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions all life is an experience.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wanted to get another quick update in before I head off to bed.

I have to say I love watching History Chanel/ National Geographic/ Science/ General education shows while walking... It makes me feel as if I am working my mind and my body. Yesterday I ran 10k (6.2 miles), today I could only get in 5k before I decided it was too late to be on the treadmill for those still awake in the house. Tomorrow evening I will be starting Yoga at the community center, and hopefully Zumba. I will be checking out an art 'class' there as well in the morning. Monday I plan to start out Jillian Michaels 30 day shred.

Mum and I are going to get a few more things for working out... One of the things she is getting to help with her lymph fluid and back is an inversion table, which I am excited about because doing crunches on it would be awesome.

Mum is planning on visiting a nutritionist in August, and I think I will be as well.


Today marks a week of not smoking. I really want a cigarette.

I am proud of myself.

--A.E.

Quick Update

"People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing. "

-Dale Carnegie

This past week has been pretty amazing, between mum and I baking Armenian recipes, to Kaity acting like a clown in our tai chi class yesterday. I am very blessed to have the support, love and laughter that my family provides me.

I don't have much time to update, I need to go and do a few things. Help my mother out, get a run in, do some yoga, and hopefully check out Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred.

As for an update, tomorrow will make a week of me not smoking, this morning I woke up feeling as if I had just smoked two packs in one sitting... Mum said it means that my lungs are healing... Honestly it just feels crappy.

Reminder to self: Art, marathon, cleaning

-A.E.

Languages are lovely.

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

– Dorothy Parker

Today is my second full day without a cigarette. While I haven't gone running like I planned to, I think I have done fairly well.

Since I have started on the Zyban I have found myself doing things differently. I eat only until I am no longer hungry, but not until I feel stuffed, and sometimes I almost forget to eat. My sleeping has regulated itself, I am waking up every morning at seven and eight... And most importantly I am feeling hopeful.

While I feel as if I am leveling off emotionally I can't help but feel an over abundance of hope I have mostly spent the last week adjusting to the medicine, and cleaning. The most amazing part of this though, is the fact that I haven't smoked in the last two days. I have some cravings, but not overwhelming and not as often as I have previously had to go through.

I have decided recently that I went to learn several languages. Currently I am wanting to learn German and Mandarin, but I need to brush up on my Armenian...

It's good to keep busy.

-A.E.

It made me raise my game, And I'm still rising, I'm still rising

Joy is what happens when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.

– Marianne Williamson

Today mum, myself, and my sister Kaitlin went out to the mall to get some things... We were able to get yoga mats which is lovely. We got six, in total I think, since four of us are going to be consistently going to Yoga starting Thursday, and since we may or may not have friends/family who go with us.

When we got home I felt a bit nauseous, so I went to my room for a lie down. I think the Zyban is the cause of it, at least I hope it is I would hate to be coming down with something. I have to say I have been feeling much better these past few days.

I walked my mile, but didn't push it further than that since I knew I would be going to my Tai Chi class a bit later. It was very relaxing, I enjoyed it greatly. My only problem was that at the end of the hour (I hadn't even realized the time had past!) my legs were so shaky from holding my weight, moving my weight, etc. in a bent position, slowly changing directions. My thighs are sore, which I expected after I had been in there for a little while, and my abs are a bit sore from it, which I didn't expect at all.

I think what I enjoyed about it most was the way I cleared my mind and thought. I thought a lot about the book I have just finished, (Excuse me, your life is waiting, by Lynn Grabhorn), and I have to say that while some of it just seems like horsewash the fundamentals of it are something I have always believed in. Like attracts like. I think reading it has reaffirmed some of my positive thinking, or at least some of my attempts at positive feeling, and perhaps has even given me a small amount of spiritual enlightenment.

Thursday I will be going to an art class in the morning, I spoke with the woman who holds them on the phone about it, and though I don't really need a class to teach me to paint I do very much want to be around artistically inclined minds. She told me that there are people there with various levels of skill in her classes, and that for those more skilled in their craft it is for criticism. I am very excited for this class, I think it will be amazing to be around others in such a setting again, I miss it. Mum, my sisters, and I will be attending Yoga as well that evening... and maybe Zumba, depending. I am mildly wary of the Zumba, not because it's dancing... I am sure it will me amazing though.

I hope everyone in the USA has a lovely 4th of July, to all my friends and family there: I miss you dearly.

--A.E

Oh deary me!

You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own and you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.

– Dr. Seuss

Goodness, this week has been busy! Between going to the doctors, giving blood, cleaning around the house, and walking/jogging there hasn't been much time to be around.

My doctor put me on Zyban on Wednesday to help me quit smoking. He says it won't fully kick in for about a week, so I have made my quit date this upcoming Wednesday. On Thursday I gave blood at the blood bank, and was surprised when the Nurse had no issue sticking me... apparently I will always need to have an experienced nurse, and use my left arm for donations.

Friday I did my run, and found out that mum and I had to drive to pick up Saskia... Which is fine, just last minute. So I spent four hours in a car... Thrilling stuff, I know. Saturday, mostly I spent time with family, and cleaning.

I am getting to sleep at an earlier time, waking up at an earlier time... all around things are going well.

Tonight we are going to get Yoga Mats... we didn't get to start Tai Chi last week, but I personally do plan to start all the things that mum and I are supposed to do, with or without her.

Here are the things I am looking at:

Monday

6:30 - 7:30 PM Tai Chi

Tuesdays

5:30 - 6:30 pm Thai Lessons (to learn the language)

Wed 1st and 3rd of each month

9:00 - 4:30 pm Tramping Group

Mon 8pm / Wed 630pm / Friday 9:15 am

Body Balance - stretch and strength class

Thursday

10:00 am - Art Lessons

6:15 - 730 pm Yoga

7:30 pm Zumba $8 per class

I am really looking forward to the Yoga... The Tramping group frightens me a bit... but I think it might be good? Scary though.


I hope you've all had a good week.

--A.E.

Boom boom Pow

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

—Will Rogers

I must admit, I think I have a severe case of the Winter Blues.

It has been almost a week since I have updated. Time sure does fly when you're busy. In the past week I have worked out most of the days, cleaned some, and tried to stabalize myself.

This weeks lesson for me was about emotional health. I plan to quit smoking, as it is an unhealthy crutch. The medicine I plan to be on to help me with this is also an antidepressant.

Mum and I are going to be going to the community center here, for healthy activities like Tai Chi, Yoga, and walking groups... But it is also greatly for our own social benifit, as we could both use friends in the area. Kaity and I might also start doing ZUMBA, though I am not quite sure how to feel about this... I feel silly.

My weight has been stable, I am not gaining or losing anything, and I think most of this is attributed to my eating habits. Mum and I are going to start weigh ins on Mondays of each week. She is going to order more salad like things, which I think is brilliant.

-- A.E.

I like it in the city when two worlds collide.

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.

– John Lennon

I woke up late, by four hours, and while I could whinge about the wasted time I think it was much needed for my still recuperating body. I have stopped coughing almost all together, which is a good sign, and I think within the next few days I will have completely recovered from my chest issues.

Though I woke up late overall I have to say today was fairly productive. I have cleaned much of the upstairs of the house, jogged and did calisthenics, put groceries away, got the clothes out... While it wasn't as active as I planned physically there was something about it that was soothing. I enjoy feeling productive, and in the past few months I feel like I have generally been unable to obtain that feeling... With a lack of a job or schooling while waiting for our residency to go through on average there aren't many things most would call productive.

Mum, Aaron and I talked about a way to earn some extra cash since I enjoy to have money sitting in my wallet. I think this will be good for me, as it will keep me busy and give me a way to save for a rainy day.

Kaity, Keely, and myself spent a decent amount of time doing art at the same time in the same room. It was nice to be in a room with other artistic minds, especially my sisters... I am so blessed to have been raised in an environment that encourages and provokes my artistic sensibilities, as well as my intellectual acuity. I am blessed to have lived in a home that encouraged me to have my own opinion, as well as to help develop my own individuality.

To my parents, thank you.

--A.E.

New Beginnings Start Every Day.

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.

~Mary Pickford

In the past few weeks I have completely neglected updating this blog. We are coming up on a month of not updating tomorrow and honestly I can say I have no excuse as to why.

I have either neglected to work out as much, or completely neglected working out on the whole. To top the matter off for the past week I have been sick and unable to leave my room let alone work out... I fear that part of that is me not wanting to. I often wonder if I am self sabotaging myself in almost every aspect of my life.

I know that when I wake up early and do things I feel better... Not only do I feel healthier but I feel better about myself. I need to stop making excuses and start making the time to improve myself as I have previously said I would.

Going to the doctor I found out I lost over 9cm (around 4inches)from my waist since I last saw him. My starting weight was 135 kg (297 lbs), and I am now down to 123 kg (270.6 lbs). That is a total loss of 12 kg (26 lbs). I plan to stick to my plans and scheduals for the next few months, with Saturday and Sundays as my designated 'rest' days. It should be easier considering I have mapped out my day with ideas of what I should be doing with over 8 hours of 'free time' and 9 hours of sleep planned.

Now that I no longer have a URI I feel even more like I need to do these things. I can conquer anything I put my mind to. I am simply happy I didn't go backwards in my progress, despite my falling behind.

--A.E.

Child, be still.

"Each time we don't say what we want to say, we're dying. Make a list of how many times you died this week."

-Yoko Ono

As someone who has been larger for the bulk of my life, I have always prided myself on at least being an intelligent, outspoken young woman. A unique individual who has fought for the rights of equality for everyone with no race, gender, or sexual preference bias. I have taken comfort in the fact that I have a loving family to fall back to when my world crumbles. As a young adult, my life has felt like it's crumbled quite a bit.

I enjoy good debates, I enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation... I have to say that tonight when I engaged in a political debate it was all good and fun until they brought my age into it. It made me upset to have people dismiss my opinions because I am young. Worse than that, they dismissed my points though all they had was speculation and personal feelings on the subject based on their own political allegiances, and accused me of basically being a sheep, molded by a failing left wing agenda.

It was all fine and well, I felt slighted and shot down based on my age and being outnumbered, nothing incredibly emotional there. What really upset me was when a family member decided to attack me because I no longer live in the United States of America, but in New Zealand with my mum and sisters. It put salt on the wound. I don't care that my family may have a different opinion than I do, but to state that I have no right to formulate my own opinions due to living outside of the country I grew up in? It made me so angry, and so upset I wanted to cry.

After a little while of thinking about it, and ten to fifteen minutes of jump roping I decided it wasn't worth it to be upset about it. Nothing further has come of it, and I don't expect it to.

I am taking these steps to improve myself, whether others see or know what I am doing doesn't mean they understand who I am, or what I am going through. Though at times I have been highly emotional, I have never been a very open person; a problem I am currently trying to revise.

The past two days I have spent less time than I should working on my physical self, though I have been so surprisingly keen on self reflection and emotional evolution. The other night my mum and I sat down to watch Downton Abby (which is brilliant so far), and we paused the episode talking about the caste system of English society. Eventually our conversation progressed to my personal, romantic relationships. Through the conversation we expressed our lives and relationships... I was so close to breaking down, I cried a bit talking of previous lovers, and partners I had never told her about... Most importantly we talked about my deep and unwavering, though at times convoluted relationship with Jersey. She is my constant. Even through the worst of times we have broken through the hard times.

I think I will break through these (mentally and emotionally) hard times. I have the support system I think I need. We will see with time.

-A.E.

♪ 'Gotta watch myself, I've gotta love myself, and take care...' ♪

I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

– Louise Hay

This morning I weighed in, a kilo more than a week ago. While I am unhappy with the result there are many reasons this could be-- especially with the fact that I am eating better and working out more. I am thinking water retention, as my younger sister had stated to me, over the idea of muscle amassing as I am working hard... I also really think that a digital scale would be a better investment than the one we have currently as it seems it is a bit... shifty. You can't read it as well as you'd like. I decided I will be taking my measurements and what not in three weeks, as I believe they are quite likely the same as they were last week. I think a monthly measurement system is a wiser way to do this.

My hula hoop came this afternoon, and let me tell you, though I can't keep it up more than six seconds now, I am going to be amazing at it sometime in the near future! Kaitlin is still helping me when it comes to being more active, though today wasn't as hard as it was yesterday, despite the fact that we were out longer today than we were yesterday. I am planning on taking a walk once I am finished with my dinner.

There are several things swimming around in my mind at the moment regarding my own emotional, intellectual, and spiritual standing. As of right now I will postpone writing about them, as dinner is ready to eat...

I think I might start taking pictures for this blog.

It's a pleasant thought, I think.

-A.E.

But I can see through you, see to the real you.

A strong woman understands that the gifts such as logic, decisiveness, and strength are just as feminine as intuition and emotional connection. She values and uses all of her gifts.

– Nancy Rathburn

Today was a good day. I went out with my mum and my sister Kaitlin to the Fish Market here in Auckkers. My sister bought some of the most amazing sushi ever, and I looked at all the whole unaltered fish. We ended up purchasing two red snappers and several kilo's of muscles... as well as other things that I don't remember.

I have to say that Kaitlin is a riot, especially when in a weird mood. I had mentioned the red snapper had a tongue, and Kaitlin just went closer to it, face to face with it with her tongue out, mum her and I all making smart ass comments... If I were a wicked sister I would have pushed the fish into her face.

Kaity also kicked my ass today while we jump roped... tomorrow I need to run on the treadmill first because daaaaaaaaaaaayum. She made me keep going even after I was so completely over it. Here in autumn I thought swimming would be an easier idea than having her make me jump so much. She's a good motivator though, and though my muscles already hurt, I know she is good for my weight loss goals. In the long run, though my body aches and complains now, it will thank her later.

I also cooked dinner tonight, it was healthy enough, and everyone seemed to love it. Mum is making Armenian Kebobs tomorrow night, and I can't wait. I will help her with them, because mmm mmm mmm!

So I joined Spark People a few weeks ago, and I tried to stay true to it... tried to bother writing down calories in and out... but honestly it just doesn't feel like there is enough time in the day. I give up on Spark People, it lacks what 3fatchicks.com has, as well as the time it seems to take up.

I am going to sign up to Jillian Michaels (free) and see where that gets me... I am also thinking of looking into getting the bike in the garage up and running. Mum, Kaity and I were talking about bicycles in different styles... I must admit, I want banana bars, and a bell on mine... and to tell the truth, a basket on the back. Anywhozit, this is what JillianMichaels has to say about my height/weight ratio and what it seems I need to do from the preliminary questions:

• 1. Variety is your get-skinny solution!
• Because you crave fruit and bread as well as salty foods, cheeses, and meats, you may be a balanced oxidizer (the fancy term for your metabolic rate). Put simply, you need equal proportions of protein, carbs, and fat to process the nutrients in your food optimally. Lucky you — your diet is the easiest to follow! You feel your best on a diet that incorporates a wide range of foods, and your ideal macronutrient ratio is roughly 40% carbs: 30% protein: 30% fat.
• 2. Follow the rule of four:
• Eat every four hours to optimize your body’s fat-burning potential. When your system goes for long periods without eating you go into starvation mode, effectively shutting down your metabolism.
• 3. Get Moving!
  The greater your muscle mass, the higher your metabolism. My killer cardio and fitness program will help you build lean, strong muscles so you lose weight faster and with less effort.
• 4. Do the work.
  You need to remove the toxins from your diet and your environment, restore healthful nutrients, and rebalance your energy. The result: a body that's essentially a fat-burning machine.

So these things are what I am doing, minus maybe her killer cardio and fitness program, we will see! I still need to pull out her video for Yoga... but I have come to realize I have no mat, and it would bite to do yoga on tile with no mat!!! Kaity and Keely are uninterested in Yoga... but are both interested in jumping rope. I can see positive things on using JillianMichaels.com, but it seems like the same thing as SparkPeople but paying 20 USD a month for it... which while I can afford it, seems pointless.

Tomorrow is my second weigh in, I am hoping I haven't gained weight... If I have then I don't know where I went wrong, really.

Hoping for a kilo less!

-A.E.

"It must be hell inside your head." (The Big Bang Theory)

Conquering any difficulty always gives on a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary line and adding to one’s liberty.

– Henri Frederic Amiel

There is not much to say today, I am enjoying my new jump rope, and for some reason my abs hurt a tiny bit. Keely and I are going to play hop scotch tomorrow and continue our jump roping competition.

In other news I am mildly stressed about school in February... It's only just over 5k a year but I don't know... I am partially worried, and I am beginning to look into possible jobs, though they would prolong my education another year... worrisome at best.

Stressing out over something in the future by that much is probably not ideal.

In any case I have begun knitting a hat in the mentality that I will start selling my hats.

Tomorrow is a new day.

-A.E.

As written last night... but Blogger was down...

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I’ve ended up where I needed to be.

– Douglas Adams

Over the past three days now, I have let myself slip. Of course I know I have the ability inside myself somewhere, but I fear I lack the drive. I would like to believe this will be the first and last attempt, but when it comes down to it, I don't think I have the full support I need.

Don't get me wrong, my mum and sisters are supportive, but when it comes to my dietary changes that need to happen.... they aren't there. I know I should curb my portions, but that seems to make little difference when one night you are eating chineese food, and the next night it is pizza. What I really need to do is start making seperate meals, refuse temptation, and kick this up a notch.

I don't want those custard filled dounuts from Dunkin' Dounuts, they taste so good for about five seconds, then it is over. There is nothing significant gained from it, not even contentment.... because I hate myself afterwards.

I hate this body, and it's all my fault. I feel like losing all of this will never be finished. I know this journey will never be done I will start planning my meals a weak in advance and start giving mum the list of things I need for my new dietary plan.... I think this may mean joining SparkPeople for a 'real' count of things. Perhaps I will also record all my numbers in there for the best possible outcome.

Today I walked a mile, yesterday I took a day off, the day before I walked two miles.

Goals:

• Join Spark People
• Lose 10 kilos by the end of June.
• Track input, and output- at least estimates
• Get healthier amounts of sleep
• Stop feeling and being so inactive
• Do more of the things I day dream about
• Discover more time in a day.
• Look into learning French.

Warning: Long possibly pointless musings ahead.

I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

– Louise Hay

It concerns me at times how much self confidence seems to correlate with the perceptions and reactions of outside influences.... more directly other people. In the past I have done things to prove myself as a more intelligent, more reliable, and more grown up 'woman' . I wanted to prove myself to everyone. I wanted to prove it to myself. I was trying to show how worthy I was, how much I belonged in their life... In the end I only felt inadequate based on my over compensated self confidence.

The truth is I wasn't ready. I wasn't mature enough, and I probably still lack the maturity now for the promises I made then. I have shattered and damaged my own relationships through these trials, leaving old friends behind, and much of my family with little to no contact for months, even some for over a year.

I have taken great strides to rebuild my relationships, especially those relationships I had abandoned with my family. I still find it shocking that my family was so willing to take me back with open arms... it is not as if I had wronged them in any way, I just fell off the map. My support system now consists of my family, and very scarce close friends.

I can confidently say that when my life was surrounded in good company, great friends, and happy family I was more confident, more active, and over all I was happier. I think many people don't acknowledge their own boundaries and often push themselves past their breaking point... I did just the same in my younger 'indestructible' years.

Now, after six years of little mistakes adding up, I wonder why it is that so much of my confidence is related to others perceptions of me.

Anyhow today Kaity, Mum, Keely and I all took our weight and measurements. First technical weigh in for myself is as follows:

Weight: 123 Kilo's
Height: 5'11
Arm: 13.5''

Breast: 50''
Chest: 44''
Waist: 41.5 ''
Hips: 52''

Thigh: 26.5 ''

Calf: 18.5''

At this point I can't believe my calf is the same as Scarlette O'hara's waist cinched up.

My Hula Hoop has been ordered in neon green, I walked a mile today on the treadmill on a 8 incline... I did other things but I feel fairly accomplished on those things alone. I am thinking of starting my Yoga Meltdown with Jillian Michaels tomorrow.

-A.E.

((Edit: To note, my mum and my sisters Kaitlin and Keely have never really been cut out of my life. They have always been there for me, as I would like to think I have been there for them, and will be for the foreseeable future.))

So Pick Me Up, Twist Me 'Round

Anything you are good at contributes to happiness.

– Bertrand Russell

This is short, and a few hours late...

It is two in the morning here, and I have decided it is most definitely time to get back into a proper sleeping pattern. Eight hours of sleep, at night, except on special occasions... especially while I have the ability to.

Today I finished my sister Keely's hat, it is gorgeous on her. This makes two hats in less than a week. I will begin on another soon, as the one I have I don't like as much as I thought I did previously. I need to pick up some new wool for Kaity and my hats... I think mum wants one as well.

In the past three days I have walked 6 Kilometers which is 3.72 miles on varying inclines at varying speeds. I know it isn't heaps, as most people probably do twice that at the gym in a day... but I think little steps back into a healthy life is doing me good. The distances I am doing are slowly increasing.

The amount of calories has not been properly counted as I am to understand inclines, plus my weight, plus the speed all have effects.. and honestly I don't want to try to manually figure out the math. It's not worth it. Mostly I am happy I am becoming more healthy.

As of when I woke up for the day, I sent news to those I play an online game with called World of Warcraft, that I will be unable to play due to personal reasons for the forseeable future.... Honestly, though this probably sounds odd, it was a big weight off of my chest.

Tomorrow we will actually have the weigh in, apparently, as today we did not. If it gets 'bumped' again I will simply have my own weigh in and measurements done. Fingers crossed.

Goodnight.

-A.E.

I know, I know I know... I'm still your love.

"I know what it is to live alone inside your head, while never giving a clue as to your real feelings"

-Albert, The Young Victoria [2009]

I find the very idea of writing letters to be quite a romantic notion. In these fast paced times I find that our society has evolved to lean towards the instantanous gratification, not cherishing those many things that take time. I would like to return to writing letters out to those I hold dear, though I imagine it's not very practical... it is a novelty. Expendable.

Today has been a bit anticlimactic. I woke up past noon, again, which is unshocking as I didn't get to sleep until seven. When I woke up I ate appropriate amounts, and ran on the treadmill, and honestly I began to feel like I was starting on the path to make a dent of an improvement in my life.

Fast forward a few hours, and you have me thinking almost to the point of brooding. I have come to realize that in order to become a better, healthier person I need to cut the bad out of my life, or at least reduce it. Sadly, I also realize that there are people and factors that I really can't change, and friends that I don't want to get rid of. The stress and upset, and overall bad energy around me will probably not be the most positive thing for my venture, but we all have to learn to take the good with the bad.... Here's hoping I get it.

Todays acomplishments: Treadmill walking, portion control, knitting half a hat.
Up tomorrow: First Weigh in and Measurements

Goals: Reduce time talking about negative things, disconnect when attempts are not helping.

-A.E.

We Are Okay, We Are Alright

You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

– Margaret Young

My accomplishments, if weighed by some imaginary scale, are low today. I started a hat for my sister, walked one kilometer (approximately .65 miles, but it was on a 6 incline), cleaned the kitchen and did three loads of dishes... Mostly I day dreamed, and actually slept.

I have come to the conclusion that I am in need of several things before I get myself into an actual healthier lifestyle. One of those things is a loud, hopefully very annoying, alarm clock. I need a diary to schedual my days, and possibly a wall calendar, because I can honestly say that half the time I don't notice what day it is let alone what I am accomplishing, if anything.

My goals for the upcoming month are as follows:

1. Stabilize my sleeping patterns.
2. Have a more healthy eating regime
   -including adding a meal and proper snacks to my list of things to eat
3. Use the treadmill when I wake up in the morning, and before I go to sleep (at the very least).
4. Find a god damned hula hoop to use at least five times a week at an hour each (I want to get good at it, this number may increase.)
5. Set time away each day for my art
6. Get involved in the artist community here in Auckland, even if it's just looking and critiquing others art here in the city.
7. Read three books.
8. Help motivate others in their goals, and in general be a more supportive friend.

Tomorrow is mothers day here in New Zealand, so to my mother and all mothers out there, Happy Mothers Day. I hope your day finds you with hope, joy, and love.

-A.E.

These City lights...

Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Whine Less, breathe more. Talk less, say more. Hate less, love more, and good things will be yours."

-Swedish Proverb.

Today was jam-packed with amazing things!

While I was still sleeping, the treadmill we hired arrived. Just to clarify, we hired a treadmill for less than it would cost mum, myself, and my sister Kaitlin to purchase gym memberships... We decided that this was the best course of action for the next three months or so, as we can gage how often we will use it before we put money into actually purchasing one.

The three of us have made ourselves a weight loss competition, the first to lose 10kg doesn't have to do the dishes. I personally think this should be modified for my sister, Kaitlin, who has the least to lose and will have the hardest time of the three of us to lose it. Weigh ins and measurements will come on Monday, three days after I actually start using the treadmill. The one thing I have been trying like mad to find is a hulahoop, it's difficult to even find a normal hoop with no exercise stuff built into it. I am craving the childhood bliss of trying to keep the hoop spinning for hours. At some point within the next few weeks I should have one... I plan to purchase a jump rope with sparkly handles, and sidewalk chalk while I am at it. I'm 23 and I have no shame in being a child at heart. I was healthier back then, so apparently I was doing something right!

I think if more people took the time to regress into their childhood, or at least their childhood mental state of being, there would be happier people in the world. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a day of reading, swimming, hop skotch, bubbles, poprocks and lunchables!

My mother, sister and I went out today, we went to the American Food store, and found the usual things we get... Sunflower seeds, junk food they don't have here in New Zealand, Salad dressing, and a new pair of pajama bottoms for me. They went regular food shopping after that, as I floated in and out of the shoppes. I love bookstores, and art stores, so I often find that Paperplus is a decent blend of two of my favourite places. I found stretched canvas on sale for 66% of price, and I couldn't help but snatch them up... Several very large blank canvases now lay in our painting area. I also found the first and the third book in Stieg Larsson's Millennium Trilogy. I only purchased the first one, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I was actually suprised at how expensive it was even though it was paper back and 25% off.. I need to remind myself to look at prices of books from now on.

Last, but certainly not least, Sara (Sar-uh) came by to dye mum, Keely, and my hair. Finally my hair is back to being dark, and one colour. She is a major ego lift to everyone around her, she compliments you, and makes your hair look fabulous.

So with my spirits high, I think I am going to call this an early night, and get an early start in the morning-- I have a treadmill to use!

-A.E.

Soothed

A peculiar, almost ominous, mist seemed to have set out last night in Auckland. It was almost all encompassing, and due to the streetlamps and the lights, the sky was tinged red. While quite beautiful it was eerie, almost disturbing. My sister thought to bring up the mist at least six times, and once more for good luck at three in the morning when we headed to our bedrooms to get ready for sleep.

I found myself, like many other nights, unable to sleep until the sun peeked over the horizon and greeted us with another day. There is something serene about the early morning, the twilight stretching across the land as the sun rises, bird chirping in the distance, and the general sounds of early morning activity that knock me out. As well, probably, as the fact that the beauty of the night, and the mystery of the darkness have ceased to hold it's grip over me.

As I fell into sleep, I began to think at what seemed to be a prolonged rapid speed, some thoughts coming to the foreground. On thought in particular seemed fairly important: To be healthier you need to sleep earlier than sunrise.

Is it really healthier to sleep at night if you get the same amount of hours of sleep in the day time?

Most of my day has been dedicated to thinking, knitting, and using stumbleupon to increase my knowledge of useless crap that I will probably never need for my field of study. It was fun though.

--A.E.

A New Day

I am not sure how one should start a blog, so I am going to introduce myself and see where it goes from there!

I, for all intensive purposes, am Ashley Elizabeth. I am a 23 year old university student, living in Auckland New Zealand. Currently I am attempting to finish up my residency paperwork with the rest of my family. As such I have been recalled from living on my own, to living with my family again.

I am an artist, an intellectual, a rabid zombie fanatic, a gamer, a knitter. I am also an avid reader of just about anything I can get my hands on, and a great fan of music from many genres and time lines.

In the last seven years or so I went off into the world to find myself, and found that I had only lost myself to the world. So in awe of the experiences I was enveloped by, I lost quite a bit of myself in the hurricanes and storms of my life.

This blog will be updated as many times as I see fit in a week, though I can promise it'll be more than three times weekly... the updates will be on my art, my knitting/crafts, but most importantly my health and my ventures into making myself a more healthy, happy, reliable person, one day at a time.

I make this my first commitment, my first commitment to myself. I will do more to improve my body, soul, and mind.

-A.E.