Oh deary me!

You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own and you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.

– Dr. Seuss

Goodness, this week has been busy! Between going to the doctors, giving blood, cleaning around the house, and walking/jogging there hasn't been much time to be around.

My doctor put me on Zyban on Wednesday to help me quit smoking. He says it won't fully kick in for about a week, so I have made my quit date this upcoming Wednesday. On Thursday I gave blood at the blood bank, and was surprised when the Nurse had no issue sticking me... apparently I will always need to have an experienced nurse, and use my left arm for donations.

Friday I did my run, and found out that mum and I had to drive to pick up Saskia... Which is fine, just last minute. So I spent four hours in a car... Thrilling stuff, I know. Saturday, mostly I spent time with family, and cleaning.

I am getting to sleep at an earlier time, waking up at an earlier time... all around things are going well.

Tonight we are going to get Yoga Mats... we didn't get to start Tai Chi last week, but I personally do plan to start all the things that mum and I are supposed to do, with or without her.

Here are the things I am looking at:

Monday

6:30 - 7:30 PM Tai Chi

Tuesdays

5:30 - 6:30 pm Thai Lessons (to learn the language)

Wed 1st and 3rd of each month

9:00 - 4:30 pm Tramping Group

Mon 8pm / Wed 630pm / Friday 9:15 am

Body Balance - stretch and strength class

Thursday

10:00 am - Art Lessons

6:15 - 730 pm Yoga

7:30 pm Zumba $8 per class

I am really looking forward to the Yoga... The Tramping group frightens me a bit... but I think it might be good? Scary though.


I hope you've all had a good week.

--A.E.

New Beginnings Start Every Day.

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.

~Mary Pickford

In the past few weeks I have completely neglected updating this blog. We are coming up on a month of not updating tomorrow and honestly I can say I have no excuse as to why.

I have either neglected to work out as much, or completely neglected working out on the whole. To top the matter off for the past week I have been sick and unable to leave my room let alone work out... I fear that part of that is me not wanting to. I often wonder if I am self sabotaging myself in almost every aspect of my life.

I know that when I wake up early and do things I feel better... Not only do I feel healthier but I feel better about myself. I need to stop making excuses and start making the time to improve myself as I have previously said I would.

Going to the doctor I found out I lost over 9cm (around 4inches)from my waist since I last saw him. My starting weight was 135 kg (297 lbs), and I am now down to 123 kg (270.6 lbs). That is a total loss of 12 kg (26 lbs). I plan to stick to my plans and scheduals for the next few months, with Saturday and Sundays as my designated 'rest' days. It should be easier considering I have mapped out my day with ideas of what I should be doing with over 8 hours of 'free time' and 9 hours of sleep planned.

Now that I no longer have a URI I feel even more like I need to do these things. I can conquer anything I put my mind to. I am simply happy I didn't go backwards in my progress, despite my falling behind.

--A.E.

Child, be still.

"Each time we don't say what we want to say, we're dying. Make a list of how many times you died this week."

-Yoko Ono

As someone who has been larger for the bulk of my life, I have always prided myself on at least being an intelligent, outspoken young woman. A unique individual who has fought for the rights of equality for everyone with no race, gender, or sexual preference bias. I have taken comfort in the fact that I have a loving family to fall back to when my world crumbles. As a young adult, my life has felt like it's crumbled quite a bit.

I enjoy good debates, I enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation... I have to say that tonight when I engaged in a political debate it was all good and fun until they brought my age into it. It made me upset to have people dismiss my opinions because I am young. Worse than that, they dismissed my points though all they had was speculation and personal feelings on the subject based on their own political allegiances, and accused me of basically being a sheep, molded by a failing left wing agenda.

It was all fine and well, I felt slighted and shot down based on my age and being outnumbered, nothing incredibly emotional there. What really upset me was when a family member decided to attack me because I no longer live in the United States of America, but in New Zealand with my mum and sisters. It put salt on the wound. I don't care that my family may have a different opinion than I do, but to state that I have no right to formulate my own opinions due to living outside of the country I grew up in? It made me so angry, and so upset I wanted to cry.

After a little while of thinking about it, and ten to fifteen minutes of jump roping I decided it wasn't worth it to be upset about it. Nothing further has come of it, and I don't expect it to.

I am taking these steps to improve myself, whether others see or know what I am doing doesn't mean they understand who I am, or what I am going through. Though at times I have been highly emotional, I have never been a very open person; a problem I am currently trying to revise.

The past two days I have spent less time than I should working on my physical self, though I have been so surprisingly keen on self reflection and emotional evolution. The other night my mum and I sat down to watch Downton Abby (which is brilliant so far), and we paused the episode talking about the caste system of English society. Eventually our conversation progressed to my personal, romantic relationships. Through the conversation we expressed our lives and relationships... I was so close to breaking down, I cried a bit talking of previous lovers, and partners I had never told her about... Most importantly we talked about my deep and unwavering, though at times convoluted relationship with Jersey. She is my constant. Even through the worst of times we have broken through the hard times.

I think I will break through these (mentally and emotionally) hard times. I have the support system I think I need. We will see with time.

-A.E.

Warning: Long possibly pointless musings ahead.

I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

– Louise Hay

It concerns me at times how much self confidence seems to correlate with the perceptions and reactions of outside influences.... more directly other people. In the past I have done things to prove myself as a more intelligent, more reliable, and more grown up 'woman' . I wanted to prove myself to everyone. I wanted to prove it to myself. I was trying to show how worthy I was, how much I belonged in their life... In the end I only felt inadequate based on my over compensated self confidence.

The truth is I wasn't ready. I wasn't mature enough, and I probably still lack the maturity now for the promises I made then. I have shattered and damaged my own relationships through these trials, leaving old friends behind, and much of my family with little to no contact for months, even some for over a year.

I have taken great strides to rebuild my relationships, especially those relationships I had abandoned with my family. I still find it shocking that my family was so willing to take me back with open arms... it is not as if I had wronged them in any way, I just fell off the map. My support system now consists of my family, and very scarce close friends.

I can confidently say that when my life was surrounded in good company, great friends, and happy family I was more confident, more active, and over all I was happier. I think many people don't acknowledge their own boundaries and often push themselves past their breaking point... I did just the same in my younger 'indestructible' years.

Now, after six years of little mistakes adding up, I wonder why it is that so much of my confidence is related to others perceptions of me.

Anyhow today Kaity, Mum, Keely and I all took our weight and measurements. First technical weigh in for myself is as follows:

Weight: 123 Kilo's
Height: 5'11
Arm: 13.5''

Breast: 50''
Chest: 44''
Waist: 41.5 ''
Hips: 52''

Thigh: 26.5 ''

Calf: 18.5''

At this point I can't believe my calf is the same as Scarlette O'hara's waist cinched up.

My Hula Hoop has been ordered in neon green, I walked a mile today on the treadmill on a 8 incline... I did other things but I feel fairly accomplished on those things alone. I am thinking of starting my Yoga Meltdown with Jillian Michaels tomorrow.

-A.E.

((Edit: To note, my mum and my sisters Kaitlin and Keely have never really been cut out of my life. They have always been there for me, as I would like to think I have been there for them, and will be for the foreseeable future.))

These City lights...

Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Whine Less, breathe more. Talk less, say more. Hate less, love more, and good things will be yours."

-Swedish Proverb.

Today was jam-packed with amazing things!

While I was still sleeping, the treadmill we hired arrived. Just to clarify, we hired a treadmill for less than it would cost mum, myself, and my sister Kaitlin to purchase gym memberships... We decided that this was the best course of action for the next three months or so, as we can gage how often we will use it before we put money into actually purchasing one.

The three of us have made ourselves a weight loss competition, the first to lose 10kg doesn't have to do the dishes. I personally think this should be modified for my sister, Kaitlin, who has the least to lose and will have the hardest time of the three of us to lose it. Weigh ins and measurements will come on Monday, three days after I actually start using the treadmill. The one thing I have been trying like mad to find is a hulahoop, it's difficult to even find a normal hoop with no exercise stuff built into it. I am craving the childhood bliss of trying to keep the hoop spinning for hours. At some point within the next few weeks I should have one... I plan to purchase a jump rope with sparkly handles, and sidewalk chalk while I am at it. I'm 23 and I have no shame in being a child at heart. I was healthier back then, so apparently I was doing something right!

I think if more people took the time to regress into their childhood, or at least their childhood mental state of being, there would be happier people in the world. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a day of reading, swimming, hop skotch, bubbles, poprocks and lunchables!

My mother, sister and I went out today, we went to the American Food store, and found the usual things we get... Sunflower seeds, junk food they don't have here in New Zealand, Salad dressing, and a new pair of pajama bottoms for me. They went regular food shopping after that, as I floated in and out of the shoppes. I love bookstores, and art stores, so I often find that Paperplus is a decent blend of two of my favourite places. I found stretched canvas on sale for 66% of price, and I couldn't help but snatch them up... Several very large blank canvases now lay in our painting area. I also found the first and the third book in Stieg Larsson's Millennium Trilogy. I only purchased the first one, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I was actually suprised at how expensive it was even though it was paper back and 25% off.. I need to remind myself to look at prices of books from now on.

Last, but certainly not least, Sara (Sar-uh) came by to dye mum, Keely, and my hair. Finally my hair is back to being dark, and one colour. She is a major ego lift to everyone around her, she compliments you, and makes your hair look fabulous.

So with my spirits high, I think I am going to call this an early night, and get an early start in the morning-- I have a treadmill to use!

-A.E.