"If you don't start running by the count of three I will not be training you tomorrow!"

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
-Winston Churchill

Kaity Training Me Day Two:

Honestly I don't think I could properly do this without Kaitlin. Sure, I can write out the schedule's, and I have, but I can't give myself the motivation she gives me. She yells at me to do it, so I do. When it hurts and I want to simply walk the rest of the way home she makes me jog more.. Sadly while I am doing better at it I am not doing as well as I would like to be... And probably a lot less than my sister would like me to be doing.

Honestly the hardest part to motivate myself with is the running, so I am so grateful to have Kaity to train me. Today when we were running up the hill (and it hurt trust me) I couldn't keep going... So she would yell at me to continue.. And I would and then I would go a bit and stop and walk and go a bit.. It is really hard to keep my body going with that.. Honest to god my body hates me.

At the time Kaity said, "If you don't start running by the count of three, today will be the last day I train you!" I felt as if something was weighing me down. It was a chore to breathe, to move my legs and arms and to try to catch up to her and my younger sister Saskia.

My legs are sore now. Doing our stretches and mild ab work out a bit later seems so much easier... it's weird.

Today makes 13 days smoke free.

--A.E.

Oh deary me!

You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own and you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.

– Dr. Seuss

Goodness, this week has been busy! Between going to the doctors, giving blood, cleaning around the house, and walking/jogging there hasn't been much time to be around.

My doctor put me on Zyban on Wednesday to help me quit smoking. He says it won't fully kick in for about a week, so I have made my quit date this upcoming Wednesday. On Thursday I gave blood at the blood bank, and was surprised when the Nurse had no issue sticking me... apparently I will always need to have an experienced nurse, and use my left arm for donations.

Friday I did my run, and found out that mum and I had to drive to pick up Saskia... Which is fine, just last minute. So I spent four hours in a car... Thrilling stuff, I know. Saturday, mostly I spent time with family, and cleaning.

I am getting to sleep at an earlier time, waking up at an earlier time... all around things are going well.

Tonight we are going to get Yoga Mats... we didn't get to start Tai Chi last week, but I personally do plan to start all the things that mum and I are supposed to do, with or without her.

Here are the things I am looking at:

Monday

6:30 - 7:30 PM Tai Chi

Tuesdays

5:30 - 6:30 pm Thai Lessons (to learn the language)

Wed 1st and 3rd of each month

9:00 - 4:30 pm Tramping Group

Mon 8pm / Wed 630pm / Friday 9:15 am

Body Balance - stretch and strength class

Thursday

10:00 am - Art Lessons

6:15 - 730 pm Yoga

7:30 pm Zumba $8 per class

I am really looking forward to the Yoga... The Tramping group frightens me a bit... but I think it might be good? Scary though.


I hope you've all had a good week.

--A.E.

Child, be still.

"Each time we don't say what we want to say, we're dying. Make a list of how many times you died this week."

-Yoko Ono

As someone who has been larger for the bulk of my life, I have always prided myself on at least being an intelligent, outspoken young woman. A unique individual who has fought for the rights of equality for everyone with no race, gender, or sexual preference bias. I have taken comfort in the fact that I have a loving family to fall back to when my world crumbles. As a young adult, my life has felt like it's crumbled quite a bit.

I enjoy good debates, I enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation... I have to say that tonight when I engaged in a political debate it was all good and fun until they brought my age into it. It made me upset to have people dismiss my opinions because I am young. Worse than that, they dismissed my points though all they had was speculation and personal feelings on the subject based on their own political allegiances, and accused me of basically being a sheep, molded by a failing left wing agenda.

It was all fine and well, I felt slighted and shot down based on my age and being outnumbered, nothing incredibly emotional there. What really upset me was when a family member decided to attack me because I no longer live in the United States of America, but in New Zealand with my mum and sisters. It put salt on the wound. I don't care that my family may have a different opinion than I do, but to state that I have no right to formulate my own opinions due to living outside of the country I grew up in? It made me so angry, and so upset I wanted to cry.

After a little while of thinking about it, and ten to fifteen minutes of jump roping I decided it wasn't worth it to be upset about it. Nothing further has come of it, and I don't expect it to.

I am taking these steps to improve myself, whether others see or know what I am doing doesn't mean they understand who I am, or what I am going through. Though at times I have been highly emotional, I have never been a very open person; a problem I am currently trying to revise.

The past two days I have spent less time than I should working on my physical self, though I have been so surprisingly keen on self reflection and emotional evolution. The other night my mum and I sat down to watch Downton Abby (which is brilliant so far), and we paused the episode talking about the caste system of English society. Eventually our conversation progressed to my personal, romantic relationships. Through the conversation we expressed our lives and relationships... I was so close to breaking down, I cried a bit talking of previous lovers, and partners I had never told her about... Most importantly we talked about my deep and unwavering, though at times convoluted relationship with Jersey. She is my constant. Even through the worst of times we have broken through the hard times.

I think I will break through these (mentally and emotionally) hard times. I have the support system I think I need. We will see with time.

-A.E.

Warning: Long possibly pointless musings ahead.

I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

– Louise Hay

It concerns me at times how much self confidence seems to correlate with the perceptions and reactions of outside influences.... more directly other people. In the past I have done things to prove myself as a more intelligent, more reliable, and more grown up 'woman' . I wanted to prove myself to everyone. I wanted to prove it to myself. I was trying to show how worthy I was, how much I belonged in their life... In the end I only felt inadequate based on my over compensated self confidence.

The truth is I wasn't ready. I wasn't mature enough, and I probably still lack the maturity now for the promises I made then. I have shattered and damaged my own relationships through these trials, leaving old friends behind, and much of my family with little to no contact for months, even some for over a year.

I have taken great strides to rebuild my relationships, especially those relationships I had abandoned with my family. I still find it shocking that my family was so willing to take me back with open arms... it is not as if I had wronged them in any way, I just fell off the map. My support system now consists of my family, and very scarce close friends.

I can confidently say that when my life was surrounded in good company, great friends, and happy family I was more confident, more active, and over all I was happier. I think many people don't acknowledge their own boundaries and often push themselves past their breaking point... I did just the same in my younger 'indestructible' years.

Now, after six years of little mistakes adding up, I wonder why it is that so much of my confidence is related to others perceptions of me.

Anyhow today Kaity, Mum, Keely and I all took our weight and measurements. First technical weigh in for myself is as follows:

Weight: 123 Kilo's
Height: 5'11
Arm: 13.5''

Breast: 50''
Chest: 44''
Waist: 41.5 ''
Hips: 52''

Thigh: 26.5 ''

Calf: 18.5''

At this point I can't believe my calf is the same as Scarlette O'hara's waist cinched up.

My Hula Hoop has been ordered in neon green, I walked a mile today on the treadmill on a 8 incline... I did other things but I feel fairly accomplished on those things alone. I am thinking of starting my Yoga Meltdown with Jillian Michaels tomorrow.

-A.E.

((Edit: To note, my mum and my sisters Kaitlin and Keely have never really been cut out of my life. They have always been there for me, as I would like to think I have been there for them, and will be for the foreseeable future.))