♪ 'Gotta watch myself, I've gotta love myself, and take care...' ♪

I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

– Louise Hay

This morning I weighed in, a kilo more than a week ago. While I am unhappy with the result there are many reasons this could be-- especially with the fact that I am eating better and working out more. I am thinking water retention, as my younger sister had stated to me, over the idea of muscle amassing as I am working hard... I also really think that a digital scale would be a better investment than the one we have currently as it seems it is a bit... shifty. You can't read it as well as you'd like. I decided I will be taking my measurements and what not in three weeks, as I believe they are quite likely the same as they were last week. I think a monthly measurement system is a wiser way to do this.

My hula hoop came this afternoon, and let me tell you, though I can't keep it up more than six seconds now, I am going to be amazing at it sometime in the near future! Kaitlin is still helping me when it comes to being more active, though today wasn't as hard as it was yesterday, despite the fact that we were out longer today than we were yesterday. I am planning on taking a walk once I am finished with my dinner.

There are several things swimming around in my mind at the moment regarding my own emotional, intellectual, and spiritual standing. As of right now I will postpone writing about them, as dinner is ready to eat...

I think I might start taking pictures for this blog.

It's a pleasant thought, I think.

-A.E.

Warning: Long possibly pointless musings ahead.

I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

– Louise Hay

It concerns me at times how much self confidence seems to correlate with the perceptions and reactions of outside influences.... more directly other people. In the past I have done things to prove myself as a more intelligent, more reliable, and more grown up 'woman' . I wanted to prove myself to everyone. I wanted to prove it to myself. I was trying to show how worthy I was, how much I belonged in their life... In the end I only felt inadequate based on my over compensated self confidence.

The truth is I wasn't ready. I wasn't mature enough, and I probably still lack the maturity now for the promises I made then. I have shattered and damaged my own relationships through these trials, leaving old friends behind, and much of my family with little to no contact for months, even some for over a year.

I have taken great strides to rebuild my relationships, especially those relationships I had abandoned with my family. I still find it shocking that my family was so willing to take me back with open arms... it is not as if I had wronged them in any way, I just fell off the map. My support system now consists of my family, and very scarce close friends.

I can confidently say that when my life was surrounded in good company, great friends, and happy family I was more confident, more active, and over all I was happier. I think many people don't acknowledge their own boundaries and often push themselves past their breaking point... I did just the same in my younger 'indestructible' years.

Now, after six years of little mistakes adding up, I wonder why it is that so much of my confidence is related to others perceptions of me.

Anyhow today Kaity, Mum, Keely and I all took our weight and measurements. First technical weigh in for myself is as follows:

Weight: 123 Kilo's
Height: 5'11
Arm: 13.5''

Breast: 50''
Chest: 44''
Waist: 41.5 ''
Hips: 52''

Thigh: 26.5 ''

Calf: 18.5''

At this point I can't believe my calf is the same as Scarlette O'hara's waist cinched up.

My Hula Hoop has been ordered in neon green, I walked a mile today on the treadmill on a 8 incline... I did other things but I feel fairly accomplished on those things alone. I am thinking of starting my Yoga Meltdown with Jillian Michaels tomorrow.

-A.E.

((Edit: To note, my mum and my sisters Kaitlin and Keely have never really been cut out of my life. They have always been there for me, as I would like to think I have been there for them, and will be for the foreseeable future.))