Warning: Long possibly pointless musings ahead.

I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

– Louise Hay

It concerns me at times how much self confidence seems to correlate with the perceptions and reactions of outside influences.... more directly other people. In the past I have done things to prove myself as a more intelligent, more reliable, and more grown up 'woman' . I wanted to prove myself to everyone. I wanted to prove it to myself. I was trying to show how worthy I was, how much I belonged in their life... In the end I only felt inadequate based on my over compensated self confidence.

The truth is I wasn't ready. I wasn't mature enough, and I probably still lack the maturity now for the promises I made then. I have shattered and damaged my own relationships through these trials, leaving old friends behind, and much of my family with little to no contact for months, even some for over a year.

I have taken great strides to rebuild my relationships, especially those relationships I had abandoned with my family. I still find it shocking that my family was so willing to take me back with open arms... it is not as if I had wronged them in any way, I just fell off the map. My support system now consists of my family, and very scarce close friends.

I can confidently say that when my life was surrounded in good company, great friends, and happy family I was more confident, more active, and over all I was happier. I think many people don't acknowledge their own boundaries and often push themselves past their breaking point... I did just the same in my younger 'indestructible' years.

Now, after six years of little mistakes adding up, I wonder why it is that so much of my confidence is related to others perceptions of me.

Anyhow today Kaity, Mum, Keely and I all took our weight and measurements. First technical weigh in for myself is as follows:

Weight: 123 Kilo's
Height: 5'11
Arm: 13.5''

Breast: 50''
Chest: 44''
Waist: 41.5 ''
Hips: 52''

Thigh: 26.5 ''

Calf: 18.5''

At this point I can't believe my calf is the same as Scarlette O'hara's waist cinched up.

My Hula Hoop has been ordered in neon green, I walked a mile today on the treadmill on a 8 incline... I did other things but I feel fairly accomplished on those things alone. I am thinking of starting my Yoga Meltdown with Jillian Michaels tomorrow.

-A.E.

((Edit: To note, my mum and my sisters Kaitlin and Keely have never really been cut out of my life. They have always been there for me, as I would like to think I have been there for them, and will be for the foreseeable future.))