Child, be still.

"Each time we don't say what we want to say, we're dying. Make a list of how many times you died this week."

-Yoko Ono

As someone who has been larger for the bulk of my life, I have always prided myself on at least being an intelligent, outspoken young woman. A unique individual who has fought for the rights of equality for everyone with no race, gender, or sexual preference bias. I have taken comfort in the fact that I have a loving family to fall back to when my world crumbles. As a young adult, my life has felt like it's crumbled quite a bit.

I enjoy good debates, I enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation... I have to say that tonight when I engaged in a political debate it was all good and fun until they brought my age into it. It made me upset to have people dismiss my opinions because I am young. Worse than that, they dismissed my points though all they had was speculation and personal feelings on the subject based on their own political allegiances, and accused me of basically being a sheep, molded by a failing left wing agenda.

It was all fine and well, I felt slighted and shot down based on my age and being outnumbered, nothing incredibly emotional there. What really upset me was when a family member decided to attack me because I no longer live in the United States of America, but in New Zealand with my mum and sisters. It put salt on the wound. I don't care that my family may have a different opinion than I do, but to state that I have no right to formulate my own opinions due to living outside of the country I grew up in? It made me so angry, and so upset I wanted to cry.

After a little while of thinking about it, and ten to fifteen minutes of jump roping I decided it wasn't worth it to be upset about it. Nothing further has come of it, and I don't expect it to.

I am taking these steps to improve myself, whether others see or know what I am doing doesn't mean they understand who I am, or what I am going through. Though at times I have been highly emotional, I have never been a very open person; a problem I am currently trying to revise.

The past two days I have spent less time than I should working on my physical self, though I have been so surprisingly keen on self reflection and emotional evolution. The other night my mum and I sat down to watch Downton Abby (which is brilliant so far), and we paused the episode talking about the caste system of English society. Eventually our conversation progressed to my personal, romantic relationships. Through the conversation we expressed our lives and relationships... I was so close to breaking down, I cried a bit talking of previous lovers, and partners I had never told her about... Most importantly we talked about my deep and unwavering, though at times convoluted relationship with Jersey. She is my constant. Even through the worst of times we have broken through the hard times.

I think I will break through these (mentally and emotionally) hard times. I have the support system I think I need. We will see with time.

-A.E.

♪ 'Gotta watch myself, I've gotta love myself, and take care...' ♪

I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

– Louise Hay

This morning I weighed in, a kilo more than a week ago. While I am unhappy with the result there are many reasons this could be-- especially with the fact that I am eating better and working out more. I am thinking water retention, as my younger sister had stated to me, over the idea of muscle amassing as I am working hard... I also really think that a digital scale would be a better investment than the one we have currently as it seems it is a bit... shifty. You can't read it as well as you'd like. I decided I will be taking my measurements and what not in three weeks, as I believe they are quite likely the same as they were last week. I think a monthly measurement system is a wiser way to do this.

My hula hoop came this afternoon, and let me tell you, though I can't keep it up more than six seconds now, I am going to be amazing at it sometime in the near future! Kaitlin is still helping me when it comes to being more active, though today wasn't as hard as it was yesterday, despite the fact that we were out longer today than we were yesterday. I am planning on taking a walk once I am finished with my dinner.

There are several things swimming around in my mind at the moment regarding my own emotional, intellectual, and spiritual standing. As of right now I will postpone writing about them, as dinner is ready to eat...

I think I might start taking pictures for this blog.

It's a pleasant thought, I think.

-A.E.

But I can see through you, see to the real you.

A strong woman understands that the gifts such as logic, decisiveness, and strength are just as feminine as intuition and emotional connection. She values and uses all of her gifts.

– Nancy Rathburn

Today was a good day. I went out with my mum and my sister Kaitlin to the Fish Market here in Auckkers. My sister bought some of the most amazing sushi ever, and I looked at all the whole unaltered fish. We ended up purchasing two red snappers and several kilo's of muscles... as well as other things that I don't remember.

I have to say that Kaitlin is a riot, especially when in a weird mood. I had mentioned the red snapper had a tongue, and Kaitlin just went closer to it, face to face with it with her tongue out, mum her and I all making smart ass comments... If I were a wicked sister I would have pushed the fish into her face.

Kaity also kicked my ass today while we jump roped... tomorrow I need to run on the treadmill first because daaaaaaaaaaaayum. She made me keep going even after I was so completely over it. Here in autumn I thought swimming would be an easier idea than having her make me jump so much. She's a good motivator though, and though my muscles already hurt, I know she is good for my weight loss goals. In the long run, though my body aches and complains now, it will thank her later.

I also cooked dinner tonight, it was healthy enough, and everyone seemed to love it. Mum is making Armenian Kebobs tomorrow night, and I can't wait. I will help her with them, because mmm mmm mmm!

So I joined Spark People a few weeks ago, and I tried to stay true to it... tried to bother writing down calories in and out... but honestly it just doesn't feel like there is enough time in the day. I give up on Spark People, it lacks what 3fatchicks.com has, as well as the time it seems to take up.

I am going to sign up to Jillian Michaels (free) and see where that gets me... I am also thinking of looking into getting the bike in the garage up and running. Mum, Kaity and I were talking about bicycles in different styles... I must admit, I want banana bars, and a bell on mine... and to tell the truth, a basket on the back. Anywhozit, this is what JillianMichaels has to say about my height/weight ratio and what it seems I need to do from the preliminary questions:

• 1. Variety is your get-skinny solution!
• Because you crave fruit and bread as well as salty foods, cheeses, and meats, you may be a balanced oxidizer (the fancy term for your metabolic rate). Put simply, you need equal proportions of protein, carbs, and fat to process the nutrients in your food optimally. Lucky you — your diet is the easiest to follow! You feel your best on a diet that incorporates a wide range of foods, and your ideal macronutrient ratio is roughly 40% carbs: 30% protein: 30% fat.
• 2. Follow the rule of four:
• Eat every four hours to optimize your body’s fat-burning potential. When your system goes for long periods without eating you go into starvation mode, effectively shutting down your metabolism.
• 3. Get Moving!
  The greater your muscle mass, the higher your metabolism. My killer cardio and fitness program will help you build lean, strong muscles so you lose weight faster and with less effort.
• 4. Do the work.
  You need to remove the toxins from your diet and your environment, restore healthful nutrients, and rebalance your energy. The result: a body that's essentially a fat-burning machine.

So these things are what I am doing, minus maybe her killer cardio and fitness program, we will see! I still need to pull out her video for Yoga... but I have come to realize I have no mat, and it would bite to do yoga on tile with no mat!!! Kaity and Keely are uninterested in Yoga... but are both interested in jumping rope. I can see positive things on using JillianMichaels.com, but it seems like the same thing as SparkPeople but paying 20 USD a month for it... which while I can afford it, seems pointless.

Tomorrow is my second weigh in, I am hoping I haven't gained weight... If I have then I don't know where I went wrong, really.

Hoping for a kilo less!

-A.E.

"It must be hell inside your head." (The Big Bang Theory)

Conquering any difficulty always gives on a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary line and adding to one’s liberty.

– Henri Frederic Amiel

There is not much to say today, I am enjoying my new jump rope, and for some reason my abs hurt a tiny bit. Keely and I are going to play hop scotch tomorrow and continue our jump roping competition.

In other news I am mildly stressed about school in February... It's only just over 5k a year but I don't know... I am partially worried, and I am beginning to look into possible jobs, though they would prolong my education another year... worrisome at best.

Stressing out over something in the future by that much is probably not ideal.

In any case I have begun knitting a hat in the mentality that I will start selling my hats.

Tomorrow is a new day.

-A.E.

As written last night... but Blogger was down...

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I’ve ended up where I needed to be.

– Douglas Adams

Over the past three days now, I have let myself slip. Of course I know I have the ability inside myself somewhere, but I fear I lack the drive. I would like to believe this will be the first and last attempt, but when it comes down to it, I don't think I have the full support I need.

Don't get me wrong, my mum and sisters are supportive, but when it comes to my dietary changes that need to happen.... they aren't there. I know I should curb my portions, but that seems to make little difference when one night you are eating chineese food, and the next night it is pizza. What I really need to do is start making seperate meals, refuse temptation, and kick this up a notch.

I don't want those custard filled dounuts from Dunkin' Dounuts, they taste so good for about five seconds, then it is over. There is nothing significant gained from it, not even contentment.... because I hate myself afterwards.

I hate this body, and it's all my fault. I feel like losing all of this will never be finished. I know this journey will never be done I will start planning my meals a weak in advance and start giving mum the list of things I need for my new dietary plan.... I think this may mean joining SparkPeople for a 'real' count of things. Perhaps I will also record all my numbers in there for the best possible outcome.

Today I walked a mile, yesterday I took a day off, the day before I walked two miles.

Goals:

• Join Spark People
• Lose 10 kilos by the end of June.
• Track input, and output- at least estimates
• Get healthier amounts of sleep
• Stop feeling and being so inactive
• Do more of the things I day dream about
• Discover more time in a day.
• Look into learning French.

Warning: Long possibly pointless musings ahead.

I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

– Louise Hay

It concerns me at times how much self confidence seems to correlate with the perceptions and reactions of outside influences.... more directly other people. In the past I have done things to prove myself as a more intelligent, more reliable, and more grown up 'woman' . I wanted to prove myself to everyone. I wanted to prove it to myself. I was trying to show how worthy I was, how much I belonged in their life... In the end I only felt inadequate based on my over compensated self confidence.

The truth is I wasn't ready. I wasn't mature enough, and I probably still lack the maturity now for the promises I made then. I have shattered and damaged my own relationships through these trials, leaving old friends behind, and much of my family with little to no contact for months, even some for over a year.

I have taken great strides to rebuild my relationships, especially those relationships I had abandoned with my family. I still find it shocking that my family was so willing to take me back with open arms... it is not as if I had wronged them in any way, I just fell off the map. My support system now consists of my family, and very scarce close friends.

I can confidently say that when my life was surrounded in good company, great friends, and happy family I was more confident, more active, and over all I was happier. I think many people don't acknowledge their own boundaries and often push themselves past their breaking point... I did just the same in my younger 'indestructible' years.

Now, after six years of little mistakes adding up, I wonder why it is that so much of my confidence is related to others perceptions of me.

Anyhow today Kaity, Mum, Keely and I all took our weight and measurements. First technical weigh in for myself is as follows:

Weight: 123 Kilo's
Height: 5'11
Arm: 13.5''

Breast: 50''
Chest: 44''
Waist: 41.5 ''
Hips: 52''

Thigh: 26.5 ''

Calf: 18.5''

At this point I can't believe my calf is the same as Scarlette O'hara's waist cinched up.

My Hula Hoop has been ordered in neon green, I walked a mile today on the treadmill on a 8 incline... I did other things but I feel fairly accomplished on those things alone. I am thinking of starting my Yoga Meltdown with Jillian Michaels tomorrow.

-A.E.

((Edit: To note, my mum and my sisters Kaitlin and Keely have never really been cut out of my life. They have always been there for me, as I would like to think I have been there for them, and will be for the foreseeable future.))

So Pick Me Up, Twist Me 'Round

Anything you are good at contributes to happiness.

– Bertrand Russell

This is short, and a few hours late...

It is two in the morning here, and I have decided it is most definitely time to get back into a proper sleeping pattern. Eight hours of sleep, at night, except on special occasions... especially while I have the ability to.

Today I finished my sister Keely's hat, it is gorgeous on her. This makes two hats in less than a week. I will begin on another soon, as the one I have I don't like as much as I thought I did previously. I need to pick up some new wool for Kaity and my hats... I think mum wants one as well.

In the past three days I have walked 6 Kilometers which is 3.72 miles on varying inclines at varying speeds. I know it isn't heaps, as most people probably do twice that at the gym in a day... but I think little steps back into a healthy life is doing me good. The distances I am doing are slowly increasing.

The amount of calories has not been properly counted as I am to understand inclines, plus my weight, plus the speed all have effects.. and honestly I don't want to try to manually figure out the math. It's not worth it. Mostly I am happy I am becoming more healthy.

As of when I woke up for the day, I sent news to those I play an online game with called World of Warcraft, that I will be unable to play due to personal reasons for the forseeable future.... Honestly, though this probably sounds odd, it was a big weight off of my chest.

Tomorrow we will actually have the weigh in, apparently, as today we did not. If it gets 'bumped' again I will simply have my own weigh in and measurements done. Fingers crossed.

Goodnight.

-A.E.

I know, I know I know... I'm still your love.

"I know what it is to live alone inside your head, while never giving a clue as to your real feelings"

-Albert, The Young Victoria [2009]

I find the very idea of writing letters to be quite a romantic notion. In these fast paced times I find that our society has evolved to lean towards the instantanous gratification, not cherishing those many things that take time. I would like to return to writing letters out to those I hold dear, though I imagine it's not very practical... it is a novelty. Expendable.

Today has been a bit anticlimactic. I woke up past noon, again, which is unshocking as I didn't get to sleep until seven. When I woke up I ate appropriate amounts, and ran on the treadmill, and honestly I began to feel like I was starting on the path to make a dent of an improvement in my life.

Fast forward a few hours, and you have me thinking almost to the point of brooding. I have come to realize that in order to become a better, healthier person I need to cut the bad out of my life, or at least reduce it. Sadly, I also realize that there are people and factors that I really can't change, and friends that I don't want to get rid of. The stress and upset, and overall bad energy around me will probably not be the most positive thing for my venture, but we all have to learn to take the good with the bad.... Here's hoping I get it.

Todays acomplishments: Treadmill walking, portion control, knitting half a hat.
Up tomorrow: First Weigh in and Measurements

Goals: Reduce time talking about negative things, disconnect when attempts are not helping.

-A.E.

We Are Okay, We Are Alright

You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

– Margaret Young

My accomplishments, if weighed by some imaginary scale, are low today. I started a hat for my sister, walked one kilometer (approximately .65 miles, but it was on a 6 incline), cleaned the kitchen and did three loads of dishes... Mostly I day dreamed, and actually slept.

I have come to the conclusion that I am in need of several things before I get myself into an actual healthier lifestyle. One of those things is a loud, hopefully very annoying, alarm clock. I need a diary to schedual my days, and possibly a wall calendar, because I can honestly say that half the time I don't notice what day it is let alone what I am accomplishing, if anything.

My goals for the upcoming month are as follows:

1. Stabilize my sleeping patterns.
2. Have a more healthy eating regime
   -including adding a meal and proper snacks to my list of things to eat
3. Use the treadmill when I wake up in the morning, and before I go to sleep (at the very least).
4. Find a god damned hula hoop to use at least five times a week at an hour each (I want to get good at it, this number may increase.)
5. Set time away each day for my art
6. Get involved in the artist community here in Auckland, even if it's just looking and critiquing others art here in the city.
7. Read three books.
8. Help motivate others in their goals, and in general be a more supportive friend.

Tomorrow is mothers day here in New Zealand, so to my mother and all mothers out there, Happy Mothers Day. I hope your day finds you with hope, joy, and love.

-A.E.

These City lights...

Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Whine Less, breathe more. Talk less, say more. Hate less, love more, and good things will be yours."

-Swedish Proverb.

Today was jam-packed with amazing things!

While I was still sleeping, the treadmill we hired arrived. Just to clarify, we hired a treadmill for less than it would cost mum, myself, and my sister Kaitlin to purchase gym memberships... We decided that this was the best course of action for the next three months or so, as we can gage how often we will use it before we put money into actually purchasing one.

The three of us have made ourselves a weight loss competition, the first to lose 10kg doesn't have to do the dishes. I personally think this should be modified for my sister, Kaitlin, who has the least to lose and will have the hardest time of the three of us to lose it. Weigh ins and measurements will come on Monday, three days after I actually start using the treadmill. The one thing I have been trying like mad to find is a hulahoop, it's difficult to even find a normal hoop with no exercise stuff built into it. I am craving the childhood bliss of trying to keep the hoop spinning for hours. At some point within the next few weeks I should have one... I plan to purchase a jump rope with sparkly handles, and sidewalk chalk while I am at it. I'm 23 and I have no shame in being a child at heart. I was healthier back then, so apparently I was doing something right!

I think if more people took the time to regress into their childhood, or at least their childhood mental state of being, there would be happier people in the world. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a day of reading, swimming, hop skotch, bubbles, poprocks and lunchables!

My mother, sister and I went out today, we went to the American Food store, and found the usual things we get... Sunflower seeds, junk food they don't have here in New Zealand, Salad dressing, and a new pair of pajama bottoms for me. They went regular food shopping after that, as I floated in and out of the shoppes. I love bookstores, and art stores, so I often find that Paperplus is a decent blend of two of my favourite places. I found stretched canvas on sale for 66% of price, and I couldn't help but snatch them up... Several very large blank canvases now lay in our painting area. I also found the first and the third book in Stieg Larsson's Millennium Trilogy. I only purchased the first one, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I was actually suprised at how expensive it was even though it was paper back and 25% off.. I need to remind myself to look at prices of books from now on.

Last, but certainly not least, Sara (Sar-uh) came by to dye mum, Keely, and my hair. Finally my hair is back to being dark, and one colour. She is a major ego lift to everyone around her, she compliments you, and makes your hair look fabulous.

So with my spirits high, I think I am going to call this an early night, and get an early start in the morning-- I have a treadmill to use!

-A.E.

Soothed

A peculiar, almost ominous, mist seemed to have set out last night in Auckland. It was almost all encompassing, and due to the streetlamps and the lights, the sky was tinged red. While quite beautiful it was eerie, almost disturbing. My sister thought to bring up the mist at least six times, and once more for good luck at three in the morning when we headed to our bedrooms to get ready for sleep.

I found myself, like many other nights, unable to sleep until the sun peeked over the horizon and greeted us with another day. There is something serene about the early morning, the twilight stretching across the land as the sun rises, bird chirping in the distance, and the general sounds of early morning activity that knock me out. As well, probably, as the fact that the beauty of the night, and the mystery of the darkness have ceased to hold it's grip over me.

As I fell into sleep, I began to think at what seemed to be a prolonged rapid speed, some thoughts coming to the foreground. On thought in particular seemed fairly important: To be healthier you need to sleep earlier than sunrise.

Is it really healthier to sleep at night if you get the same amount of hours of sleep in the day time?

Most of my day has been dedicated to thinking, knitting, and using stumbleupon to increase my knowledge of useless crap that I will probably never need for my field of study. It was fun though.

--A.E.

A New Day

I am not sure how one should start a blog, so I am going to introduce myself and see where it goes from there!

I, for all intensive purposes, am Ashley Elizabeth. I am a 23 year old university student, living in Auckland New Zealand. Currently I am attempting to finish up my residency paperwork with the rest of my family. As such I have been recalled from living on my own, to living with my family again.

I am an artist, an intellectual, a rabid zombie fanatic, a gamer, a knitter. I am also an avid reader of just about anything I can get my hands on, and a great fan of music from many genres and time lines.

In the last seven years or so I went off into the world to find myself, and found that I had only lost myself to the world. So in awe of the experiences I was enveloped by, I lost quite a bit of myself in the hurricanes and storms of my life.

This blog will be updated as many times as I see fit in a week, though I can promise it'll be more than three times weekly... the updates will be on my art, my knitting/crafts, but most importantly my health and my ventures into making myself a more healthy, happy, reliable person, one day at a time.

I make this my first commitment, my first commitment to myself. I will do more to improve my body, soul, and mind.

-A.E.